I'm back (again). Mentality.

20th April 2012 0700
I made the decision to resume posting.
Why? i dont know.
I've been awake since 6am (which in my memory hasn't occured in a really long while)
So it's probably due to my insomnia i guess?
Will it be a one-off post? i don't know either.
Never been a person to plan ahead, so i shan't consider whether I'll keep this blog alive for long.
But it will serve as my outlet for this annoying 2 weeks I've been through.
There has been this indescribable trapped angst/frustration(cant use this word without thinking of blaw paper) though i can't seem to pinpoint the exact reason.
Nothing severe like life-changing experiences, but just twirls of thoughts that haven't been able to sort out

Just a disclaimer, if you're a grammar Nazi, i suggest you stop here before you pull out your hair. i'm not known for my grammar. In fact, i'm known for my lack of grammar. At some point, you might be lost in my incoherent sentences, but heck, it's my thoughts you dont have to understand it.

This is not an emo post, just a reflective one.

Have been looking through old pictures and whatever-not for the past hour
and yes, i do realized i've changed over the years. Not so much as a person, but mentality wise.

I remembered that as a Student Councilor, i had a righteous mentality.
I thought i exemplified what people meant by "doing the right thing when nobody's looking", or at least to a huge extent.
But things changed. i'm not like that anymore.
Not that I've gone all evil and cynical, but i'm just not the same boy bursting with integrity anymore.

I remembered that I was really homophobic, simply because that idea didn't seem natural to me at all.
But now, i got to know of a few gay friends and i realized how narrow-minded i was.
They are just like you & I
I don't think it is by choice that they prefer the same gender as their partner, but somehow they are wired to have that inclination, just like we do towards the opposite gender.

Bottomline being, people do change.
Mentality adapts to what you've seen, heard or been through.
For the better or worse, nobody else is to judge but yourself.

Just a few days ago, i was telling P about how i doubted whether my mentality really did change.
It was unintentional that i landed myself in that situation.
But, out of nowhere, i found myself to be a teeny bit judgemental.
It wasn't what i saw that affected me, but the way i thought which rattled me.
All along I've been preaching as a 'guru' to my friends (despite having minimal experience) that it's all about trust and willingness to be vulnerable.
And being an advocate of such a mentality, I'd have minimally expected myself to uphold what i preach.
However, that day i found out it might not be true.
It really bothered me a lot.
Did my mentality really change? or did i just choose to believe/assume that it did?
I'm relieved i told P, cos she helped place into words what i couldn't describe.
That was exactly what went through my mind. and it puts me at ease.
Ultimately, whether i have adopted a new mentality is for time to tell.
But for that i really want to say this, even though you probably dont know that it had so much effect on me.
Thank you, P.



Exams.
This affair with exams has been ongoing since we began schooling.
In primary school, i was a relatively motivated student.
With all kids running around playing catching and sports after school, it never really did interest me.
I was affected by my results. A dictation that yielded a score of 7/10 was a wreck to me, and I wasn't afraid to show it. I'd cry if I did badly.

Secondary school however marked the 'change' of my attitude towards studying.
I've still managed to do considerably well in lower sec as I was in one of the better classes in the cohort.
In fact i managed to come in 2nd for Physics in the cohort and boy did i like that.
But the difference was that i did not put in as much as effort as i did in Primary school.
I didn't feel the need to do well anymore.
Average. That's all i wanted to be
In upper sec, i was in 4B, supposedly the second best class in the relevant subject cohort.
It didn't bother me that most of my classmates from lower sec moved on to the 'best class' in upper sec while i got relegated to the adjacent class.
I started copying assignments and not bother to do them.
Clearly, my mentality was starting to change.

JC, was the mark of an all-time low to my academic motivation.
Firstly, i hated the murmurs of student in lecture theatres
This made me hate lessons in general.
I didnt do my hw almost entirely.
I only did those which my teachers repeatedly hounded me for.
Dont get me wrong, i was a good student. Polite and all, i just didnt like to do homework.
Barely managed to promote at the end of the year with collection of S and U on my results slip.
However, despite my nonchalant attitude, i was able to do considerably well, taking into consideration the effort i placed.
AABC GP D
It was way better than i thought it will turn out.
I didn't even expect a single A.

SMU, i still hold a similar mentality
I dont have that desire to strive for the best.
Average, that's all i want to be.
But recently, I unravelled another dimension of my mentality.
I hate to fail
I hate to underperform
While i dont have to do well, I dont want to do badly.
After Blaw paper, I dont know what hit me, but I was sufficiently affected by it.
The paper was so bad for me.
Barely knew what i was writing.
On the way home, it got me thinking again.
All this while, i thought that results didn't matter to me, even if I fail.
But the paper made me realized that's not that case.
I thought i didn't mind failing, but the real reason is because I've never actually failed.

I fear failure.
And the yardstick for measuring my success failure, is the effort devoted.
If I don't put in the effort, it doesn't matter to me even if i get a big fat ZERO for the exams.
But if I mug 24/7 for a bloody paper and i get a dismal F, that is what i deem as a failure.
To sum it up, if my efforts do not yield the respective deserved results, I've failed.
The fear of knowing that I failed is so immense that it prevents me from even trying.
This mentality has been bugging me for a long time but I've been oblivious to it all this while.
It not only revolves around academic but in every other aspects as well.
For e.g, I don't dare to woo a girl i like for the fear of rejection.
I dont put too much into a friendship for fear that one day it will end up only as a pool of memories.
People say 'never try, never know', 'As long as you've done your best'
But easier said than done.
I fear giving my best for i fear embracing failure.
Don't know how or whether i should/can change this mentality.
But it's always good to know how i actually think

I look forward to the start of holidays even though i don't really have any major plans installed for me.
Happiness awaits.