cognitive dissonance

Cognitive dissonance
"the feeling of discomfort when simultaneously holding two or more conflicting cognitions'
I've been telling myself i'm okay, so much so that i think i will be okay, soon.

Honestly, i feel like giving this up altogether already.
It's fucking draining on my part.
Not just liking her, but even being a close friend altogether.
I'm not numb to feeling, but i think i've been deflecting and diverting them.
Just so that i wont be on the receiving end of being disappointed, angry or sad.

This didnt come from what you DID.
But rather, it's what you DID NOT do.
You didn't even bother to approach this issue we're facing.
Perhaps you didn't consider it an issue in the first place.
Your constant avoidance of the problem is getting on my nerves.

I will be fine if you tell me "sorry you had a chance and you missed it" cos I deserve that.
I will be fine if you tell me "you're not the one. where have you been all this while when i needed that somebody" cos i wasn't there.
I will be fine if you tell me "i just dont see us together/ better off as friends" cos i'd agree that we may/will go far as friends.
I will be fine if you tell me "i am confused about what i'm feeling now" cos people do need time to think
But no, you did not do anything.
You just left it hanging there

You said you're afraid of losing me if we stop talking.
I don't want that to happen either.
I think i made it clear that if you're never able to overcome that barrier, the current state of friendship is as far as it goes.
At the start, i probed about things i didn't understand, about things that bothered me.
This was because i made the promise to be (brutally) honest, and to speak up if anything bothered me.
I did, but maybe a little too much.
But soon, i realized this is a one-way traffic.
Now, i don't even bother asking anymore.
Just that day, when you were a drunken wreck and crying, you said "B i cant do it. i really cannot"
I wanted to know what you were referring to, but I know i'm not gonna get anything out of it.
So i decided not to ask at all.
Is it that hard to understand that all i need to know/see is that you're happy?
even if you're happy with another person, it will hurt a little, but that will pass
Ultimately, I AM HAPPY IF I KNOW YOU'RE HAPPY.
It's not me being selfless and all (cos i'm not). it's just the way I work.

But I can say this with large certainty
At the rate this is going, you are going to lose me, soon
cos i cant keep up with this game anymore.
It won't be ugly and hostile. but it definitely wouldnt be happy either.