生老病死

Good thing about blogging at my lovely bernana5 (kiddish name I know) is that nobody reads this place.

Other than a few spam bots perhaps?

I've no idea how to make the posts private but I don't think there is a need to 

Glad to have re-ignited this interest in jotting things down in ink

All credits to P.

(It all started when we were talking about secondary school blogs, and i revisited my fucking god-damn old school blogs.

I showed her my Sunflower post.

No idea why I did that though, I guess it was the comfort factor.

It was embarrassing.

But at that point in time when I was reading it, I was suddenly able to re-live emotions and experience I had when i typed the post)

Anyway it's been a few days since that fateful(?) day

Pretty much come to an understanding that this is the best for us, at least for now.

I'm enjoying this friendship tremendously- not exaggerating
Love having her company around doesn't mean we have to be together!

And no way in hell am i going to destroy it with my own bare hands.

Like I said, I don't regret it.

I'm just afraid is that what I did a few days back may have dented a potentially wonderful friendship.
Sigh

Now, I've returned back to how I was like before this whole saga

But I might have caused an irreversible damage on the other side.
zzz

Oh well just hope things will turn out fine or even better, closer than ever.
Optimistic


Grandparents
My paternal grandpa has been visiting the hospital rather frequently the past few weeks
He has a gangrenous right foot.
And had his second, and fifth toe amputated.
The condition isn't improving as well as expected. Currently the third toe is quite bad as well.
Because of the amputation and infection, he has to head down to the polyclinic every 2 to 3 days for a change of dressing of the wound.
Yesterday was the first time I accompanied him for the change of dressing
The polyclinic was crowded as it was a Monday, but it was orderly
Before I went into the dressing room for the change, I had no idea how bad/good my gramps was recovering.
The Malay female nurse shouted (his hearing ability is deteriorated quite alot)
"Uncle, luh eh ka eh tia buay?" (uncle, does your leg hurts?)
Gramps shook his head.
But when the nurse was unwinding the dressing, he cringed.
And obviously, he cringed from intense pain of removing the cotton swab from his infected wound.
It was then, a thought suddenly hit.
THAT WOUND FUCKING HURTS, IT'S AN AMPUTATION.
When his dressing was about done, he looked at me and smiled.
I swear I've rarely been so overwhelmed with guilt before.
The mental image of my gramp years back suddenly popped into my head
He has become so skinny over the years, but I have never ever noticed
Not until this.

Since young, I wasn't even close to my paternal grandparents even though we stay under the same roof.
Yes, we live under the same roof but in the entire year
But the number of times we spoke is definitely under 10 times.
That's how distant we are
I had more interaction with the coffeeshop aunty downstairs.
That's how bad the situation is
I don't know the exact reason
But i reckon it has its roots entrenched in the poor in-laws relationship my mum had with them.
As far as my childhood memory could recall, they did not enjoy a harmonious relationship.
The situation was often, at best awkward, but usually rather hostile.
Right now after a decade or so, the situation improved, but it's only minimal.
At least there is barely any conflicts happening now.
I don't have the courage to break this situation and take a step to be closer to my grandparents
I'm cowardly like that.
I know this will go down as one of my regrets, but I don't think I'm capable of changing anything.
All I can do is bring them for all this check ups, and BE THERE with them.

Just "being there" sounds like a useless non-meaningful action
I cannot emphasize how much it actually means to my grandpa
He doesn't express it, but I can tell from the looks in his eyes.
I attempted to put myself in his shoes, and I try to imagine how it felt like to be my grandpa.
I took my earpiece and plugged it on to cut away the ambient sound.
I slowed down my walking pace tremendously.
All I can say is,
when the world becomes silent, what you see is everything you have.
When you cant hear, your other senses are heightened.
Now I understand why he always gives the megawatt smile every time he makes eye contact with me or my brother.

I don't know how long his pain will last.
I hope he really recovers soon.
生老病死
The four essential processes of life.
I'm really not looking forward to moving on.