Accidental enlightenment

Never thought I'd be able to get myself off such thoughts so easily
Even more improbable was to entertain the idea that i could get myself off this so quickly
Yes, even i'm shocked by how this turn of events occurred this rapidly.
Years down the road when I look back at these post, I'll probably be like "oh, silly me"
Today, even I found it hard to convince myself that this episode is over.
To put it bluntly, it's like as if I suddenly discovered that I dont like her anymore.
Much less convincing, when you consider that it was only exactly a week ago that I convinced myself that was what i wanted at that point in time.

So what/who triggered this 180degree turnabout in my mentality?
Turns out, it was the most unlikely person who triggered it.
Once again, I dont even know whether I'll be close to this person many years down the road but we are rather close as of now.
But elsia did change my thinking
She did not EXPLICITLY changed my mind per se, but our conversation subtly did so.
We were talking about the issues she currently faced with her boyfriend.
And how if couples have different goals in mind:
While problems wont surface now, it will in the future. (that's a lazy condensed version of the entire conversation in the afternoon)
Then there was one part we talked about this issue (not the exact wording, but the gist)
"Wouldn't you give the wrong impression to girls, given how close you're to them"
With reference to my platonic friendship with females

That struck me REALLY, REALLY hard.

Thank goodness I dont possess the face of Brad Pitt
Otherwise, coupled with this personality of mine I'll definitely be labelled as a flirt.
But, I've always been a person who enjoyed solo company with my friends as opposed to a large group hanging out together
Other than my basketball clique and my 2A clique, I've almost always enjoyed 1 on 1 meetup (i hate this term btw) compared to massive group meetups.
The reason is because I treasure interpersonal relationship ALOT.
How much is alot?
I'd dare say that the extent which I'm willing to do things for my friends stretches further than most people.
For eg, just a few days back,
Char was feeling down and called me, I asked her if she wanted to meet to talk or something without hesistating.
I stay in Yewtee, while she stays in Simei
I found myself more than ready to travel half the island immediately so I can be there for a friend.
I know it sounds damn cheesy but yes I'm more than willing to do that.
People who know me long and well enough, will understand that.
Truth is, I think I treat my female friends slightly better because I'm better able to click with them.
I'm prepared to do more than what usual friends would do, but
does that mean that I like them?
I hardly think so, cos i don't.
It is just the way I treat all my platonic friends whom I think are worth my efforts.
Will my actions cause people to think that I like them?
That certainly wasn't my intention, but yes, I'm guilty of this possibility.
I mean normal friends usually wouldn't do such stuff unless you're BFF or damn fucking close for some reason, right?
But it's really not up to me to control that.

Here comes the connection, at least this was what i figured.
P is a person who's very much like me, but a female version.
We share this zealous attitude towards our friends.
However, we express this attitude rather differently.
But it's obvious we both treasure friendships and are innately good at creating one.
We tend to be able to create quick, close relationship with many people
Probably owing to the comfort factor that we exude, and that we're not shy in making new friends.

The already-fluid process is further catalysed when two such people meet.
I think that was what happened, and it doesn't help that we were similar in so many ways.
We clicked on really fast, really well.
A little too fast, too furious perhaps.
In fact, to me that was the most comfortable I've ever been in a long, long while.
I don't want to repeatedly harp on how comfortable I was, but I truly was.

Now while everything seemed rosy and turning out fine, I guess that's where the lines started to blur
I set out with the mindset of having a purely platonic friendship, like the thousand and one other female friends I had.
I treated her like I'd to any close friends.
But this accelerated development of friendship, and the uncanny similarity created a facade, that P was "the one"
Slowly my perspective began to change.
I wasn't convinced initially, but the increased proximity of our friendship added on to this facade.
While we were doing everything right to create a absolutely wonderful platonic friendship, I was blinded by the facade and did wrong.
I thought I liked her.

Turns out, I do like her, but not the relationship kind of "like"
But rather, it's almost like I found my long-lost evil twin cos we are similar.
I found the type of person I can sustain a good long friendship with.

A little too late to realize this now, but what done is done.
I don't love her, but i really do like her as a friend.
In fact more so than most of my other female friends.
I mean, just a week ago I told her I like her.
And now I say I don't?
Sounds like a common ploy for rejected guys to get back close to the girls they like isn't it?
hahahaha but no, that's not the case for me now.

It will be an uphill task to convince P
Anyhow i'm relieved

VERY relieved that I've sort out my thoughts, albeit accidentally.

But, I feel really guilty about killing this friendship with my bare hands in this past week.
I've made a bad night for her tonight by annoying her
However, I did what I had to do
I've said my piece.
I can only wait and see...