Nope. Tried to not think of it as a barrier.
But it's not working.
I can never go back to super close friends knowing that there's this part of you that i will never find out
Normal friends it shall be.

Not knowing about what the bad news is, is worse than the bad news itself

You, of all people should know that better.

Even if it's something unpleasant to the ears, i ought to be informed of what it is.
If i know the bad news, at least i can do something to it.
If i dont know the existence of bad news, i wouldnt even be bothered by it.
If i know there's bad news but not have a single clue to what it is, I will never know what to do.
And i'm forever stuck here.
No idea whether you're happy, sad, troubled, carefree.
It's the feeling of helplessness.

You said you want to keep me as a friend.
I dont want to be friends only, but I dont think i have a choice.
I say it's possible if we both work towards being close friends.
I'm trying, but you dont seem to be budging at all.
I know you have your difficulties, but you cant even tell me what the difficulties are.

To me this is the closest analogy i can draw right now.
You have a home so dear to you.
One day, you walk into your home only to discover a DO NOT ENTER SIGN sealed right across one of your rooms
How would you feel?
Most probably puzzled, confused and curious.
Puzzled as to why that room is out of bound.
This home is something you hold close to your heart and nothing much has changed despite the sealed room.
But now you know that there's a part you will never be able to reach yet you dont know the reasons why.
The real reason behind the sealed door isn't that scary. But knowing that it is sealed to you is frightening.
Of course, curiousity gets the better of yourself and you will want to find out.
You tried opening that door.
But there's no use trying to open it from the outside as it's locked from the door blotch within.
You realized you can only wait for the right time for the door to unlock itself and let you in.
At the same time, you know there's a possibility that this door might be permanently sealed.
It certainly doesnt help that there are many people gossiping about why the door is sealed.
You try to cast them aside, but it's only human that your thoughts run wild.
An idle mind is a devil's factory.

You still want this home simply because you love it.
But now you can only call it a house, not a home.
Nothing changed but it doesnt feel the same.
Only when the sealed room is finally freed, then will there be a possbility of this house being a home again.
You're willing to wait, but for how long?
You've no idea how long you will wait but you know one day you will just give up on it altogether if nothing's gonna change.

Dad

Saw my dad break down for the first time.
For the entire 3 days of the wake, my dad did not flinch a single bit since yeye passed on.
He did not tear or whatever.
I don't know whether it was his defence mechanism putting up a strong front or void of emotions
But today, right before yeye was sent for cremation, he broke down so bad.
I've never seen him cry and i wouldnt want to again.

A person who puts up a front, falls the hardest.
all the time.

Grandpa 爷爷

 聂润坤
1923- 17/03/2013
Yeye passed away at the age of 89 (not his true age though) in the early morning after an entire year of frequent hospital visits
He had chronic problems with his liver and heart for a while now
Just over a year ago
He had gangrene in the right foot and had amputation procedure twice
First was to remove two toes, but the other time round it was amputated right below the right knee
Then after came other problems
There were infections to the lungs, kidneys, urinary tracts and he had bowel issues as well
Dont really know what the exact problems were but the amount of medication he was on was insane.
During this period of time, he frequented between St Luke, SGH and polyclinics.
Yesterday morning, he was admitted into hospital again for infection
He was given an injection later in the afternoon
It was too much for his body to take.
My dad got a call at around 5am informing us to make a trip down as yeye was unlikely to pull through.
My dad informed my grandma
That was the first time I heard my grandma sobbing
We rushed down but by the time we got there, he was already unresponsive, had no pulse and only had a weakening heart rate.
Seeing his expression frozen in pain was pretty heart wrenching
His last conscious moments was probably intense pain cos his jaw was ajar and his neck arched from being tensed up.
I didnt really get to have last words with him
None of us did.
But at least now he's relieved of pain and suffering

Rest in peace.

My relationship with yeye isnt typical of a family
We dont even speak much to begin with
Relationship with grandparents is far from what a family should be like
Not that we're hostile just that i'm not close to them at all
We speak only that few times a year
Chinese new year, joyous occassion such as wedding dinners
Apart from those, we barely spoke beyond the basic conversations.

Despite not being close emotionally, Yeye is somebody whom i've seen around house for all 23 years of my life
From the old flat in Marsiling, until Yewtee where we currently live in.
I will miss him
He didn't speak much to me.
But whenever he did, I could tell that he really love me.
Like all grandparents, he will be eager to make sure we dont go hungry.
We only ate a meal together as a family once a year on CNY eve.

Ironically, I spoke to him the most frequently in the past year or so when i accompanied him for medical appointment.
Even then, our conversations were minimal but i could tell he was happy that I was the one bringing him there and not just the domestic helper.
During those appointments, I will be the one asking whether he was hungry, but the answer was always "no".
He probably thought that I was very busy and didnt want to waste my time.
Whenever I asked if his wounds were painful, answers were usually "no" and occasionally 一点点 despite his expression showing that it hurt pretty bad.


Yeye remained a mystery figure to me
All I knew about him came from information i gathered through casual conversation I heard over the years
To sum up what I know, he was an alcoholic, smoker, carpenter and a cook.
Details to whatever is written below is only correct as far as what i remembered

Alcoholic.
I vaguely remember my dad saying that last time he used to be slumped drunk up in front of his store
He loved beer/ stout (probably where i got my liking for it as well)
His alcoholic behaviour probably improved, but he didn't stop.
I remember when i was in primary school, he would return from the coffeeshop downstairs with souvenirs from Carlsberg, Tiger, Heineken.
Things like t-shirt, bottle opener, lighters and many others
at that point in time, I didnt understand where those came from.
Now i know it came from his regular beer sessions

Smoker
I dont have much to say about this except that he quitted smoking only at the age of 60 plus.
Pretty amazed how his health remained relatively clean for somebody so heavilty involved in drinking and smoking

Carpenter
I'm not sure whether he was carpenter by occupation or by hobby
But he certainly does some woodwork and some furnitures we used were made by him
Yes you heard that right. made by him from scratch
In our old house at Marsiling, I have a vague impression of him working on the wooden sofa we sat on
A pity we threw it away and i dont have any pictures to show.
But it will remain in my memory forever
Grandpa carving and filing the wood, assemblying them together, and spraying a protective coating on the surfce.

Cook
This is the probably only point which i can relate to
Prior to his series of health problems, Yeye was always the one who prepared the reunion dinner entirely by himself
He refused to let others help out
My aunt said that in the past, he took a lot of pride in cooking his food.
And he is contented and very happy knowing that other people enjoyed his cooking
Over the years, that probably toned down a little.
But i could clearly see that he enjoyed preparing food for others.

There's little variation to his dishes every year but I'm a fan of his cooking and i looked forward to it
Lotus soup, Fa cai, sliced arrowhead, Prawns, mixed vegetable. soy sauce steamed fished. roasted pork. Steamed chicken with homemade sauce.
Simple home dishes but enough to make me feel like they were restaurant standards
Apart from that, his fried chicken wings is a hot favourite among the relatives during CNY. Definitely the first dish to be emptied every year without fail.

Subconsciously, i think my interest to start cooking was probably influenced by him
Typically, a young male adult at my age wouldn't be interested to pick up cooking, especially not with all the school work and other commitments.
I want to be able to cook for my family and see them enjoy and appreciate what i make for them
I may not be able to reach the restaurant standard like Yeye did
But I'm certainly looking forward to cooking for my own family next time
That will probably be one of the best joy in life: cooking for my loved ones.

This is probably the last time I will talk about my yeye in a long while.
I dont really know yeye much
But i'll take whatever little bits you've taught/given me.
I will miss you but you're in a better place now.
Farewell 爷爷.