Bass down low

This feels so much like secondary school again.
Blogging every other day when you feel like you need a something/someone to vent to
But the thing is I don't like to burden others with my incessant rant, though I'm more than fucking willing to hear all sorts of nonsense from other people.
There's this magical feeling of liberation when you say something out.
It is the "listening ear", but it does not always have to be literally a ear.
This is my listening ear.
I don't think i need need advice, I think i'm fully capable of sorting of my thinking on my own.
I just need a pressure valve to release all this nonsense thoughts trapped in me.

Clubbing
Do I really like clubbing?
I think I do, but I don't like the negative stigma attached to clubbing.
I don't like to squeeze in a sea of horny men.
The "lupsup" value that it holds turns me off big time.
Everytime I mention that I like to club, people go "woah, clubber siol", "go grind zhabor issit" and all that ape-shit.
Though most of the time they are probably just making a light-hearted mockery, I take offence when people don't believe that I really don't go for the girls.
In fact I'm super turned off by guys, who go there to "hunt", or girls who put themselves "up for sale" in clubs.

FOR FUCK SAKE, IF YOU WANT TO PICK UP GIRLS, DO IT ELSEWHERE.

Sadly, truth is 70% of the guys there are there to engage in such stuff.
Just an hour ago I was at Phuture when the night ended, I heard people saying "你那个很chio，作么不上"
I mean think properly, whoever you're gonna pick up at a club is probably gonna be as easy to lose them as you pick them up.

But having said that, I love to club with certain groups of people.
Definitely, chunli, lepak and my homies.
Most of the time i'll definitely be high like fuck.
And so happy i wish the night wouldn't end.

Anyway my rage is accumulated from that stupid ah-lian who whacked my specs off when she was on the podium.
What a joke.
Lose specs in a club.
#achievement unlocked.

(P)arallel lines never meet?

Moments like this are the best for a blog post.
There's a limit to how much one can remember in your head, but once you pen it down, it's etched in my black and white forever.
I love how I am able to experience the emotions all over again when i revisit an old blog post.
Doesn't matter the type of emotion or the event, it all comes back to life the moment I start reading old posts.
This is definitely one of the moments I will re-live in the future.
A day i want to & will remember for some time to come.

Dear Future me,

Sometimes with the ability to think comes the problem of over thinking.
Not that i'm intelligent bursting with IQ, but a rational mind has always been one of my advantages.
I'm outspoken yet seemingly laid back around acquaintances and friends
But my mind always behaves like an overclocked CPU.
Constantly running through scenarios, thinking about what happened, might happen, should happen and will happen.
In fact, I think I am the level-headed guy go-to guy in cliques.
But my level-headedness disappears when it comes to people I like.
Just like the "Sunflower" and F.
I've made many irrational decisions
Over-think, Over-expect and Over-do

I am guilty of committing the above
Just that, this time round I was stopped(luckily?) before I over-do.
Overthinking is quite inevitable for me unless i'm permanently intoxicated.
Resigned to fate that it has become part of me already.
Oh well

Overexpectation
Was speaking to Jinz just now and she told me about the fear of disappointment.
She had a lot of ideas in mind but she doesn't always carry them out
Why?
For the fear that things doesn't turn out the way she imagines it to be
And in the end nothing is done.
I guess that applies to everybody, doesn't it?
Everybody fears disappointment
No sane person will like to be disappointed.
It only logical.

But
Fortune favours the brave
and this directly opposes my mentality of the fear of failure.
Tugged between the two extremes, I had no idea what to do.
Many a times I faced such a scenario
I mean I've "liked" quite a few people over the years
But the heart & mind know that those were mere infatuation
Mostly which I referred to as physical attraction
So what determined the action to take?
Ultimately it boils down to the negotiation between your brain and heart.
That determines how badly I want it.

A numerous occasions, the heart said go for it, but the mind rebutted.
I'd follow my mind most of the time.
But sometimes, though rarely, i'll end in a situation of heart over mind.

I've only asked twice in my life thus far (this time, and "sunflower")
And both was considered a failure to me.
But do i regret it?
Nah, I don't think so
I did what I did because I know that was what I wanted.
Doesn't matter whether that would be what I want in the future
What matters is that I'm clear that WAS what i wanted at that point in time.

In the beginning, I didn't even have the slightest clue that it will end up this way.
Interest was a straight zilch.
I only bothered to be acquaintance solely because of academic circumstances.
But interest grew gradually.
My perspective changed.
While I've always been able to click on fine with girls, I've never been able to connect on so many levels before.
It is as if we are Parallel lines.
I thought, "Maybe this is what compatibility is all about"
You're only truly comfortable with a person if you can sit in silence and not feel weird
That was what I felt.
Never ever have I felt so comfortable with a person that I could tell one of the deeper secrets of myself when the number of times we met was less what two hands could count.
The problem was, I grew too comfortable in it with this mentality.
Incrementally, I expected more and more.
Sometimes, it even tipped the balance but there was nothing to give me a reality check.


Drunken words, Sober thoughts
Led on by the tipsy heart that night, I texted.
(Funny thing, quite a few of my friends were shocked when I told them I texted. Is that not the way to do it? hahah No idea, but that's the way I did)
Took the leap and plunge I did.
Oh well but nobody succeeds all the time, right?
At least now I do know the answer, and that's all that matters though I'm the least convinced by the explanations.
To put it bluntly, even the most oblivious person would be able to pick up the signs.
(even friends of friends whom I don't know, asked me about it)
But then again, nobody owes me an explanation. So I don't need one.


I don't want to lose this Parallel line.
And I'll have to try to change my mentality.
Otherwise, it's definitely a stalemate on my end.
I can't promise it will happen
I can only promise I'll try.
Maybe this post will look really silly years down the road, when we are damn fucking good friends.
Maybe this post will be reduced to mere memories many years down the road when we are nothing
Whatever the future holds for me, I'm looking forward to it already!

Feeling unusually jubilant right now considering the situation, but don't care. Doesn't matter.
I feel relieved already. (:

Regards,
Current me

I'm back (again). Mentality.

20th April 2012 0700
I made the decision to resume posting.
Why? i dont know.
I've been awake since 6am (which in my memory hasn't occured in a really long while)
So it's probably due to my insomnia i guess?
Will it be a one-off post? i don't know either.
Never been a person to plan ahead, so i shan't consider whether I'll keep this blog alive for long.
But it will serve as my outlet for this annoying 2 weeks I've been through.
There has been this indescribable trapped angst/frustration(cant use this word without thinking of blaw paper) though i can't seem to pinpoint the exact reason.
Nothing severe like life-changing experiences, but just twirls of thoughts that haven't been able to sort out

Just a disclaimer, if you're a grammar Nazi, i suggest you stop here before you pull out your hair. i'm not known for my grammar. In fact, i'm known for my lack of grammar. At some point, you might be lost in my incoherent sentences, but heck, it's my thoughts you dont have to understand it.

This is not an emo post, just a reflective one.

Have been looking through old pictures and whatever-not for the past hour
and yes, i do realized i've changed over the years. Not so much as a person, but mentality wise.

I remembered that as a Student Councilor, i had a righteous mentality.
I thought i exemplified what people meant by "doing the right thing when nobody's looking", or at least to a huge extent.
But things changed. i'm not like that anymore.
Not that I've gone all evil and cynical, but i'm just not the same boy bursting with integrity anymore.

I remembered that I was really homophobic, simply because that idea didn't seem natural to me at all.
But now, i got to know of a few gay friends and i realized how narrow-minded i was.
They are just like you & I
I don't think it is by choice that they prefer the same gender as their partner, but somehow they are wired to have that inclination, just like we do towards the opposite gender.

Bottomline being, people do change.
Mentality adapts to what you've seen, heard or been through.
For the better or worse, nobody else is to judge but yourself.

Just a few days ago, i was telling P about how i doubted whether my mentality really did change.
It was unintentional that i landed myself in that situation.
But, out of nowhere, i found myself to be a teeny bit judgemental.
It wasn't what i saw that affected me, but the way i thought which rattled me.
All along I've been preaching as a 'guru' to my friends (despite having minimal experience) that it's all about trust and willingness to be vulnerable.
And being an advocate of such a mentality, I'd have minimally expected myself to uphold what i preach.
However, that day i found out it might not be true.
It really bothered me a lot.
Did my mentality really change? or did i just choose to believe/assume that it did?
I'm relieved i told P, cos she helped place into words what i couldn't describe.
That was exactly what went through my mind. and it puts me at ease.
Ultimately, whether i have adopted a new mentality is for time to tell.
But for that i really want to say this, even though you probably dont know that it had so much effect on me.
Thank you, P.



Exams.
This affair with exams has been ongoing since we began schooling.
In primary school, i was a relatively motivated student.
With all kids running around playing catching and sports after school, it never really did interest me.
I was affected by my results. A dictation that yielded a score of 7/10 was a wreck to me, and I wasn't afraid to show it. I'd cry if I did badly.

Secondary school however marked the 'change' of my attitude towards studying.
I've still managed to do considerably well in lower sec as I was in one of the better classes in the cohort.
In fact i managed to come in 2nd for Physics in the cohort and boy did i like that.
But the difference was that i did not put in as much as effort as i did in Primary school.
I didn't feel the need to do well anymore.
Average. That's all i wanted to be
In upper sec, i was in 4B, supposedly the second best class in the relevant subject cohort.
It didn't bother me that most of my classmates from lower sec moved on to the 'best class' in upper sec while i got relegated to the adjacent class.
I started copying assignments and not bother to do them.
Clearly, my mentality was starting to change.

JC, was the mark of an all-time low to my academic motivation.
Firstly, i hated the murmurs of student in lecture theatres
This made me hate lessons in general.
I didnt do my hw almost entirely.
I only did those which my teachers repeatedly hounded me for.
Dont get me wrong, i was a good student. Polite and all, i just didnt like to do homework.
Barely managed to promote at the end of the year with collection of S and U on my results slip.
However, despite my nonchalant attitude, i was able to do considerably well, taking into consideration the effort i placed.
AABC GP D
It was way better than i thought it will turn out.
I didn't even expect a single A.

SMU, i still hold a similar mentality
I dont have that desire to strive for the best.
Average, that's all i want to be.
But recently, I unravelled another dimension of my mentality.
I hate to fail
I hate to underperform
While i dont have to do well, I dont want to do badly.
After Blaw paper, I dont know what hit me, but I was sufficiently affected by it.
The paper was so bad for me.
Barely knew what i was writing.
On the way home, it got me thinking again.
All this while, i thought that results didn't matter to me, even if I fail.
But the paper made me realized that's not that case.
I thought i didn't mind failing, but the real reason is because I've never actually failed.

I fear failure.
And the yardstick for measuring my success failure, is the effort devoted.
If I don't put in the effort, it doesn't matter to me even if i get a big fat ZERO for the exams.
But if I mug 24/7 for a bloody paper and i get a dismal F, that is what i deem as a failure.
To sum it up, if my efforts do not yield the respective deserved results, I've failed.
The fear of knowing that I failed is so immense that it prevents me from even trying.
This mentality has been bugging me for a long time but I've been oblivious to it all this while.
It not only revolves around academic but in every other aspects as well.
For e.g, I don't dare to woo a girl i like for the fear of rejection.
I dont put too much into a friendship for fear that one day it will end up only as a pool of memories.
People say 'never try, never know', 'As long as you've done your best'
But easier said than done.
I fear giving my best for i fear embracing failure.
Don't know how or whether i should/can change this mentality.
But it's always good to know how i actually think

I look forward to the start of holidays even though i don't really have any major plans installed for me.
Happiness awaits.